she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
