I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
BRING THE BAGELS
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
