did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
