FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
