she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
