Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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