Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
