My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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