Come see our sink grown plant.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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