It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
