I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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