I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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