dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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