The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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