Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
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