Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
