A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
