my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
