I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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