My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
