It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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