I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
