my phone needs a breathalizer
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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