i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
