got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
