Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
