I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
