Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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