i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize