Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
God, I missed his penis.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
