there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
