Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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