It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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