Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Every concussion has its silver lining
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
