dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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