I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She's the barista slut.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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