if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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