ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
