i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
