Umm I'm too high to move.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
