I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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