you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
