The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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