I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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