Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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