I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
