I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
vagina is talking i cant
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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