just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Randomize
