Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
