I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize
