Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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