Whod you bang
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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