Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
